It's Not What You Say

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY

 

As a child I remember being told children should be seen and not heard.  The underlying philosophy I believe was to show respect for parents and authority figures; however, I believe 'way back  then' adults didn't believe children or young adults had much to offer to any conversation.  Be that as it may, I contend that today's adults would be well served to listen to the advice they received as children with a small adjustment.  To quote Steven Covey, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, habit # 5 Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

 

As an educated and sophisticated society, we have mistakenly adopted the attitude that our time is so valuable we cannot listen to the needs, ideas, desires and dreams of others.  We are so involved with accomplishing, acquiring and making it to the top that we forgot what may have been the most vital element of our earliest successes-listening.

 

If we were fortunate in our early education we had a teacher or parent, maybe both, who possessed good listening skills.  They listened intently to our tales-both good and not so good-about school or home.  Maybe we had a teacher who showed interest in our social life or our future dreams.  Maybe our parents listened to our goals of becoming an astronaut or a physician or a dentist.  You knew they were listening but they did more than that-the also heard what you said.  What is the difference?

I may listen to the words someone is speaking with absolutely no emotion or potential response because I am only listening to the words.  However, if I hear what someone is saying I am in tune with their feelings and desires and somehow I connect with them.  I can actually see their dream put into place because I am where they are-at least for the moment.

 

I am by profession a management career consultant.  When people ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I am a management career consultant and they nod their head (you know how people nod their head when they have heard the words but have no idea what you have just said) I know they have no interest in knowing what a management career consultant does, they were just passing an idle moment or filling in some empty space until someone else showed up.  That's alright because not everyone is truly interested in what another is saying.  However, we  also know the energy felt when someone who is interested continues the conversation with a change in body language -a smile or a tilt of the head- and asks 'what does a management career consultant do?'  Now I know this person has heard me.

 

When I work with people on their communication skills, I talk about the usual things such as body language, words, image, attitude, and appearance.  I have a 'pie chart' I use with people which poses the following question: "How Are You Evaluated On A Job Interview" and then continues to break down the following criteria: Attitude-Appearance-Skills-Communication.  The statistics on how one is judged in these three areas are as follows: Attitude 40%, Appearance 25 %, Communication 25% and Qualifications 10%.  Two things happen when I show this graph to someone.  First, if they are listening (and reading the headings in this case is a form of listening) they are confused and surprised at the low percentage related to qualifications.  If they are not listening (read the words but did not hear the message) they look at me, maybe shrug their shoulders as if it made total sense.  When the latter happens, I probe the individual asking him/her to explain the chart and what they understand it to mean.  This dialogue usually leads into a discussion about the merits of our communication skills over the skills already proven on some document previously submitted to the potential employer, such as a resume. 

 

And then I begin to talk about Covey's Habit #5.  Why is it so important that we first seek to understand another before we can be understood?  People like to be heard and recognized.  It doesn't matter who the person is or what his/her position is, everyone wants to know that their opinions, concerns, dreams and goals matter.  If I don't value your dreams and understand your goals, what is the likelihood you will be energized by the conversation enough to listen to my desires and concerns.  I often give the following example when discussing the merits of good listening skills during an interview.  I think I am prepared to interview for a much desired position.  I have my research complete, I have reconfirmed the date and time, I have prepared my questions and I am ready.  Maybe too ready!  The interview starts with the traditional "Why don't you tell me a little about yourself" followed by the interviewer telling me about the position and the company.  Some information is probably shared which could not be obtained prior to the interview.  But I don't listen because I am only thinking about what I will say when it is 'my turn' to talk.  That time does eventually come and I start telling the interviewer about my accomplishments, which are above average.  I can see I am creating an impression as I watch body language.  I have done well.  I leave the room.

 

The interviewer is intrigued, but not necessarily by my accomplishments, but by my failure to promote that or those skills which he is seeking from such a person.  This is a common mistake made by all of us who get so caught up in our own world and fail to listen to the needs of others. 

 

Recently I worked with someone starting his own business.  He offered his background in healthcare to rural hospitals who were looking to hire new CEO's or top level administrators.  I talked with him about communication and he shared an interesting scenario.  He and the Board of Directors of a rural hospital had just completed the search process for a new CEO.  After all the candidates were interviewed, the discussion about whom to hire came down to one consideration.  What question was not asked?  Four of the five candidates did not ask the Board about the mission of the hospital.  This is one of those times when listening-not only with our ears but also with our heart-paid off for one person.  He heard what they did say and proceeded to ask specifically for clarification so he would understand the direction of the hospital.  Only through active listening can we achieve true communication.

 

However, hearing the underlying message during the interview is critical to effective communication.  If I am interviewing for a position and I do not listen to the verbal as well as to the non-verbal cues given to me by the interviewer, I will not be as successful as the person who has learned to 'hear the message.'  For instance:

           

Ø                  What values do you share with this organization?

Ø                  What is their management and communication style?

Ø                  What are their immediate and long range needs?

 

 

These issues may be verbalized, but more often than not, the message is subtle especially in the initial phase of the discussion.  At the point that both parties believe there is a possible 'fit' in-depth conversations may be more revealing.  However, this is also the time when we may let our desire to secure a position override our ability to understand and hear beyond the words.  Consider the following scenario.

 

John, my goal for this organization is to double in size in the next two years.  I anticipate you would play a major role achieving that goal.  Your background and previous accomplishments suggest this could be a very exciting opportunity for you and your family.

 

Let's look at some key words and phrases.

 

 My goal.  This could have been a slip of the tongue but it may also suggest that this person is only interested in what he wants to achieve and by how much and in what time frame.  What does that mean for the new person?            

I anticipate.  The interviewer is uncertain how much of a part John will play in achieving this goal.  Is this a test to see how John responds to this ambivalent statement or is he really not sure of how John can contribute or to what extent his skills provide him with the tools to reach this goal?

Your background...suggests.  Again, what is the real meaning of this statement.  Does John need to reaffirm his ability to be successful in this position?  Does John just hear the ending to that statement,

Exciting opportunity for you.  This is the close.  John probably did not hear the words just prior to 'exciting opportunity for you'  could be a very exciting opportunity for you.  Unless John is hearing everything the interviewer has said he will probably leave the interview expecting a job offer even though it may not be the best opportunity for him.  

How could John have saved himself the anxiety and frustration one usually experiences after a job interview?  How could he have remained proactive during the process?  What questions could John have asked which may have suggested to both the interviewer and John that this particular position may not be a 'fit'?  Let's suggest John do the following.         

Ø                  Ask the interviewer if there are any questions regarding his ability to do the job.

Ø                  Let the interviewer know that he wants the job (if indeed he does).  Showing up for a job interview does not automatically suggest a high interest level in the position.

Ø                  Clarify both the companies goals and John's goals.  This would result in a clearer picture for both the interviewer and John which is critical if a 'fit' is to be achieved.

 

 

Madeleine York

York Career Development, Inc.

Houston-Austin

866-502-8258 office

512-565-8506 mobile

www.yorkinc.com

myork@yorkinc.com